


Except When Soft Rains Fall

by palomaenonsumus



Series: Mood Indigo [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-02 13:09:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15797199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palomaenonsumus/pseuds/palomaenonsumus
Summary: Riku has recently taken up playing the saxophone to help get his mind off of his friend Sora. After a while, it ends up having the opposite of the intended effect.





	1. What's in store, should I phone once more? No, it's best that I stick to my tune.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've ever written (or even really attempted to write) fan fiction, so be as cruel as you wish. These two characters are important to me and I saw some fanart of Riku playing the saxophone a little while back, so... enjoy.

Riku had been raising and lowering his fingers against the seven brass valves in the same order for what felt like an hour, eventually taking his lips off of the mouthpiece and allowing his imagination to do the bulk of the work for him. He’d heard about John Coltrane doing this at night so as to avoid disturbing his neighbors. This silent playing of scales in the night had become so commonplace that he felt as if he’d begun to spend more time with his instrument than he was spending on schoolwork. He was hardly a virtuoso, but he’d gotten to a point where he could solo reasonably well; imperfect tone, but good rhythm. As far as he was concerned, anyway. 

He couldn’t quite remember why he decided on the saxophone—he’d only ever been sort of musically inclined, and the two years’ worth of experience that he had playing the violin in middle school didn’t count for much with a brass instrument. Maybe it was something about its smoothness, its versatility. The piano was too constricting, too technical, he thought to himself. At the same time, the saxophone was heavy and unwieldy, and he didn’t like the way that his face looked while he was playing it. Bloated, expressive to the point of embarrassment, even a bit pained sometimes. It was certainly better than burying his face in the problem sets his teachers had been expecting him to finish for the night. He’d be graduating soon enough, he figured—a handful of unanswered questions wouldn’t kill him. 

There was a sort of oblivion in playing music, he felt. It allowed him to evenly divide his focus between muscle memory and those brief, ineffable thoughts that he could never quite manage to see all the way through to the end: the brush of skin against skin, the barely noticeable furrowing of a nose mid-smile, the fleeting smell of lotion and honey while walking beside a friend—a friend. 

As always, he was struck by a wave of familiar languidness. He didn’t want to admit to himself that, on some level, he’d taken up music again to get his mind off of that friend. It had the opposite effect, of course; after he’d gotten to the point at which he could memorize melodies almost instantly and modulate between keys at will, his thoughts quickly began to drift away from technique and toward moments from his past. He quickly realized that the only thread connecting those memories was the presence of Sora. 

Sora. He couldn’t describe what he felt when he heard the name echo through his head. Some combination of warmth, peace, apprehension, regret, and loneliness.  
For the first time in at least an hour, Riku lifted his fingers. This approach wasn’t working anymore. He wrung his phone out of his pocket to check the time; nearly one in the morning. Not early, considering he had to be up at 9 for class, but not late enough for Sora to be in bed. They were only separated by a single timezone, but it was enough to make Riku feel more comfortable contacting him. He figured it would be more polite to send a warning text, but, given how often they used to call one another, and how much he relished hearing Sora’s voice over the phone at 2 in the morning when they were in high school, he decided against it. 

His finger hovered painstakingly over the “call” button as he rethought his options. Why bother him with any of this? Do you even know what you plan to say? You haven’t spoken to him in weeks—it’s entirely likely that he’s neglected to start a conversation because he hasn’t wanted to. 

As his thoughts drifted, he unthinkingly dropped his finger to the screen. The call had been placed, and Riku had no choice but to follow through. 

The ringing stopped, replaced momentarily by what sounded like shuffling or fumbling, and then a voice warmer than anticipated spoke through the opposite line:  
“Hey!” Sora said. 

“Hey,” Riku responded with muted enthusiasm. 

“So… what’s up?” 

“I just wanted to talk to you.” Riku’s response was swift to the point of sounding almost practiced. Sora laughed—he found his friend’s sense of humor charming. Riku, of course, hadn’t been making a joke, but his demeanor was so difficult to read that even Sora was unable to distinguish between the two sometimes. Riku said nothing, but he could feel a warmth simmering in his heart. 

“I’m always happy to talk to you! Where have you been these last few weeks, anyway?”

So Riku had been the avoidant one after all. He didn’t understand why he was expected to initiate all the conversations, but he guessed that quirks like that just naturally developed between people. 

“Oh, uhm… busy. More so than usual, I guess.” 

“Me too! Ooh, there were a couple of things I wanted to tell you about, actually. Like the other day, I was out with this person, you don’t know her but I think you’d like her, and anyway, we were walking to class and it was like so much warmer than expected and…” Sora had already launched into a monologue about the day-to-day events of his life, which would normally be the kind of thing to annoy Riku; when Sora did it, though, he could never find it in himself to drift away from the conversation. He found it endearing. 

Sora continued. “Anyway, yeah! Haha, I hope I haven’t been rambling for too long—““No, no, it’s fine. I’m not in a very talkative mood, anyway.”  
“Oh… if you don’t mind me asking then, why call at like one in the morning if you’re not in the mood to talk?” 

“Well… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to hear your voice for a little while.” 

Riku cringed. Why word it like that? Are you trying to drive him away already? 

“Well, if you say so! To be honest, though, I’ve missed hearing the sound of your voice, too… and I’m kinda curious about what’s been going on in your life.”  
Riku blushed. He convinced himself that he knew better than to treat simple words of endearment as confessions of love, but the idea of Sora wanting to hear his voice—to pick up the phone in the middle of the night when he was certainly being faced by a busy day—and to state explicitly that he’d missed it… 

“Oh, well, uhm… nothing of much interest, really.” Riku figured that Sora would be uninterested in hearing about his progress with the saxophone. He’d mentioned it in passing once or twice, but never spoke much about his process—he figured that Sora would be more interested in discussing his own life. 

“I don’t believe that for a second! I mean, whatever it is, I’ll think it’s interesting. I mean… it’s you! I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know!” His enthusiasm seemed to be growing by the second. Part of Riku felt as if their conversation hadn’t been going anywhere up to this point, but now… well, now he figured he might as well talk for a little while longer. Maybe indulge Sora a little bit.

“Well I actually just finished up practicing my saxophone a little bit before I called.”  
“Oh yeah, you mentioned that you’d been playing the saxophone! Is it going well? Maybe we could do some kind of duet together some time!” 

Riku had forgotten that Sora played the piano for a few years when they were kids. His teacher had forced him to practice his scales and cadences and to familiarize himself with (some of) the inner workings of jazz and classical music, so he must have been reasonably acquainted with theory. He wondered if Sora was any good at improvising…

“Yeah, you know, I’d really like that. There’s a song that I’ve been listening to lately that reminds me of you, actually, and…”  
“Really?! What song is it?” Sora asked without skipping a beat. Riku realized what he’d just gotten himself into—the song was “I Get Along Without You Very Well.” The title of the song alone was enough to give everything away, but then the lyrics… “I get along without you very well, of course I do, except when soft rains fall…” 

“Oh, uhh, uhmm…” He was struggling to come up with a replacement. “‘Self Control’ by Laura Branigan. It’s poppy and catchy and it’s from the ‘80s, I think you’d enjoy it.” 

Crisis averted, then. Perhaps he’d coyly brought up the subject to hint at something, but… he supposed it was best to avoid gaudy displays of emotion. He didn’t even know exactly what he was trying to accomplish, but self-sabotage certainly wasn’t it. So “Self Control” it was—the song really did remind him of Sora, anyway. 

“Cool, I’ll have to listen to it! Maybe I could practice the chords and we could do a duet on it!” 

“Yeah, maybe. Although there was another song that I’d actually had in mind…” Oh, don’t do this to yourself! Don’t bring it up now! He’s not dense, he’ll understand what you’re trying to get at! 

“Yeah?”  
“Yeah. It’s called ‘I Get Along Without You Very Well.’ Chet Baker does a great version of it.” 

Shit. Well, the title was out in the open—on some level Riku supposed that he’d wanted to get it out to offer some small token of how he felt. Sora hesitated for a moment, but returned more or less instantly to his usual demeanor. 

“That sounds… yeah, that sounds like a better fit.” 

Riku was stunned by the response. He was expecting at least some indication of discomfort or confusion, not of immediate acceptance. 

“It’s a little tricky, but I think you can handle it. I was riffing on the melody for so long tonight that I lost track of time,” Riku said with a titter. He couldn’t make anything too clear, although a grain of optimism had planted itself in his chest and was rapidly beginning to blossom. 

For another thirty minutes or so, Sora and Riku amicably discussed tests, teachers, friends, encounters on the street, memories… there was a tenderness to Sora’s voice that Riku hadn’t detected in a while. It was a sort of soft, restful tone that reminded him of times long past; of he and Sora huddled gently together during snowstorms as young children or of nights spent silently looking at the stars. 

“Jeez, I didn’t notice how late it was,” Sora mentioned with a hint of disappointment. “Could we continue this tomorrow?”  
“Sure,” Riku said without a moment’s hesitation. “Have a great night.”  
“You too!”

“Sora?”

“Yeah?”

“I…” he was unsure of what to say. There was no point in confessing anything now—he couldn’t spoil the good thing he’d just set in motion. 

“I’m really looking forward to playing that song with you.”

“Ahhhh, me too! I’m gonna practice a bunch before I call tomorrow so we can talk about it.”

Riku blushed and felt a knot beginning to tighten in his throat. 

“Sounds good… I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  
“Yep!” 

And so their call came to an end. Riku’s mind was racing—he didn’t want to look too deeply into any of Sora’s comments, however affectionate they seemed. Sora had always been an affectionate person, the type to easily make new friends and acclimate himself to new social environments. He assumed that Sora spoke this way all the time with the people he’d gotten to know in college, none of whom Riku had ever met. He wondered about Sora, and he worried about him, but he suspected that his worries had more to do with a sense of possessiveness on his part than any genuine concern for Sora’s well-being. He fell back into doubt—maybe his interest in Sora was entirely one-sided after all. The physical distance between them wasn’t all that large, but after the amount of time they’d spent away from each other, Riku had begun to worry that there was no longer any genuine way for him to express how deeply he cared. If Sora didn’t feel the same way, then all of that concern, all of that anxiety and unease, would reveal its true nature—its selfishness. 

He sighed. There wasn’t much else for him to do at this point but try to fall asleep. He slowly sat down on his bed, leaning forward pensively, trying to empty his mind of unwanted thoughts. He couldn’t bring himself to lie down and shut his eyes; the risk of catastrophizing was too high. He rubbed his eyes resignedly and got up after a few minutes, taking hold of his saxophone and pressing his lips against the mouthpiece.


	2. I should never think of spring, for that would surely break my heart in two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riku can't decide whether to confess now or to keep his mouth shut for the rest of his life. Kairi makes an appearance.

Riku’s attention had been drifting in and out of the lecture during his acoustics course. He was supposed to have studied a chapter in his textbook the night before about some aspect of the Fourier Transform, but his mind had been elsewhere. The excuse he gave himself was that he’d been practicing his music, which was, at least for the time being, a more important pursuit. He tried to keep Sora out of his headspace, but every so often—constantly, even, although he wouldn’t like to admit it—his thoughts would drift away from the lesson and back to his friend. 

He mulled the word over in his head: “friend.” He didn’t know how to feel about it anymore. Of course Sora was his closest friend. It wasn’t a question of closeness or intimacy, no, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on how to classify it. He was secretive about his sexuality, but most of his friends had figured that he probably wasn’t straight after his complete abstinence from sex in high school. The majority of his friends were girls, and he’d thought about trying to take his relationships with some of them a step further, but it never felt right. He and Kairi had spoken about his sexuality in passing on a few occasions, but he was never comfortable enough with himself to confess. She would ask him about whether he thought guys she was interested in were attractive and he would usually groan that he didn’t know. She figured that if he’d been straight he would have protested the question or flatly said “no”—instead, he sheepishly insisted that he wasn’t sure of his own feelings. 

On some level, however, he was sure of them. The realization set in at around the same time he noticed himself looking more intently and longingly at Sora. He’d been doing it for some time, of course, but it was only at around the age of fifteen that he’d started paying attention to what he felt when it happened. Before then, he’d catch himself staring almost absentmindedly at Sora’s legs, or at the contour of his arms, or some equally innocuous thing, and wonder why he was so transfixed by the bottom half of a leg. 

The transformative moment, however, didn’t come until the summer after they’d finished middle school. Sora had suggested that they go swimming together, an invitation which Riku would have turned down in most other circumstances. Perhaps due to his sexuality, he’d never been entirely comfortable exposing his body to other people. Sora, however, was so excited about the idea that he couldn’t turn him down. Not to mention that, prior to meeting up, he felt a sense of unfamiliar certainty about why he wanted to see his friend. It wasn’t like when they would have sleepovers at each others’ houses when they were children… or maybe it was more similar than he realized.

The confusion was almost more frustrating than the feelings themselves. Riku had dressed somewhat conservatively, wearing a black shirt and a longer pair of swimming shorts, whereas Sora had worn only a rather short pair. Riku could feel the warmth traveling to his face as he looked over to his friend with searching eyes. He didn’t want to accept it, it was too sudden a realization for him to do so immediately, but he understood that people didn’t generally feel this way about their friends. 

Riku was characteristically silent throughout the day, but he found himself unable to say anything at all when Sora invited him to change behind a nearby tree. He couldn’t hide the embarrassment in his face—there was no way he would be able to follow Sora and… be exposed around him. So he sat there, breathing sharply, face red, on the verge of tears, while Sora looked at him sympathetically and told him it was okay if he wanted to change by himself. He couldn’t have understood the gravity of what had just taken place. Riku hardly wanted to acknowledge it himself. 

But Riku had grown up since then. He liked Sora, he wanted to touch him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him even, but… until he knew whether his feelings were returned—or, rather, until he had his fears confirmed—there was no point in dwelling on meaningless events from the past. 

He was shaken from his reverie when the professor dismissed class. It was a Friday and he didn’t have any obligations to worry about after he left campus. He spent most of the walk from his classroom to the bus platform worrying about his conversation with Sora and how he’d catch up on the two previous acoustics lessons that he’d more or less ignored. His studies could be set aside, he decided, for one more night. If things ended up going poorly with Sora he could retreat into his work and stay locked in them for as long as he needed to. 

When he got back to his apartment, he grabbed a bottle of white wine from the refrigerator and poured himself a glass as soon as he was settled in his room. He enjoyed being twenty-one—he generally only drank on weekends but having the ability to buy alcohol whenever he pleased had begun to greatly expand his palate. Sora didn’t like the taste of wine. His attitude was that if he wanted to get drunk then he wasn’t going to waste his time with an entire bottle of nauseating grape vinegar.  
Riku’s train of thought was again interrupted, this time by the ringing of his phone. His breathing grew shallow and his hands unsteady as he paused for a moment before checking the caller ID. He calmed down a bit when he saw that it was, in fact, Kairi. Speak of the devil. It was only 4:30 and he wasn’t expecting Sora to be back home for at least another hour, so he figured he might as well pick up. 

“Hello?”  
“Riku, hey!” 

It was nice to hear Kairi’s voice again. Normally if she wanted to get in touch with him she would text him, but it had been nearly a month since they’d spoken at all. 

“What’s up?”  
“So I’m actually gonna be really nearby in a little while because some of my friends and I are going to a concert a few miles away from your place tomorrow. Do you wanna hang out?”  
Riku was conflicted about what to say. He hadn’t seen Kairi since their summer break ended three and a half months ago, but he obviously couldn’t jeopardize his phone call… 

“Maybe later? I’m expecting a call so I can’t really leave right now.”

“You’re gonna blow me off because of a phone call?”

“No, no, it’s… I’m not blowing you off, I just-… it’s—“

“Wait a minute. I think I see what’s going on here.” 

Riku’s face slowly started to redden. Thank god Kairi hadn’t been there with him in person. 

“W-what do you mean?”

“Are you waiting for a call from Soooooraaaaa?”

She could read him like a book. Her tone was a little more teasing than it normally would have been, which startled Riku a bit. He paused momentarily before attempting to open his mouth again, only to be again interrupted by that teasing tone of voice:  
“Riku, it’s fine. It’s adorable. I love it. Just get back to me whenever your call is over!”  
As he heard Kairi speak those words—“it’s adorable, I love it”—some long-withheld impulse, some call to honesty, unwound inside of him. 

“Wait, wait, no, hold on… I think maybe we should talk about this.”

For the first time in his life, Riku felt confident in what he wanted to say about this. 

“Ah, I actually can’t stay on the phone right now, we’re about to get into town and we have to find our hotel. Just tell me how it goes later!” 

“Oh… yeah, no problem. There’s a cafe a few blocks away from my apartment, we should meet up there later. I’ll text you the address.” 

After saying their goodbyes to each other, Riku hung up and sighed. Although he left the conversation with twice as many obligations as he’d entered it, he felt a renewal of confidence after talking to Kairi. 

He reached for his saxophone to clear his thoughts for a bit before Sora called, but he was interrupted halfway through by—again—the sound of his ringtone. He took a few deep breaths to dispel his rising anxiety and looked at the caller ID. God be praised, it was Sora. He dropped his thumb to the green “accept” icon so quickly that he’d nearly dropped his phone. 

“Hey. You’re earlier than expected.” He tried to control his demeanor—the last thing he wanted was to confuse Sora or make him uncomfortable. 

“Hey! And yeah, my 3:30 class was canceled so I just got back to my apartment like ten minutes ago. And uhm… okay, so, I have a confession to make.” 

A confession. Riku supposed that he’d called for the same reason… at least on some level. Was Sora about to steal his thunder? No, he reminded himself, there was no point in reading so deeply into anything. 

“A confession…?”

“Yeah! I looked up the chords to that song you were talking about last night and, to be honest, they’re pretty complicated… I should have mentioned that I haven’t really been playing the piano much since I got back to school.”

Much worse. He and Sora never talked all that much about music because he figured that Sora wouldn’t be particularly interested, and he supposed that maybe music wasn’t going to bring them any closer after all. He should have seen this coming. 

“Oh… well, that’s okay. Would you not wanna try that duet, then…?”

“No no, of course I still want to try it!” Sora said in response, sounding almost affronted. “I’m just not sure that I’ll be as good as you, haha.” 

Riku breathed a sigh of relief. He’d jumped to conclusions again, as he always chided himself for doing. 

“You don’t have to worry about that, Sora. We’re not putting on a performance or anything. I just… really wanna be able to share this with you.” 

He could feel his confidence beginning to swell again. Maybe he hadn’t quite figured everything out for himself yet, but he wanted Sora to know how important their relationship was to him. 

“And… you know, there was actually something I wanted to confess to you, too.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

He hesitated for a moment. If Sora didn’t share his feelings then he’d only end up embarrassing himself and sabotaging their friendship… but he had to say something. He was in too deep now. 

“Do you remember that time we went swimming in the summer, like, five years ago? And it was just the two of us?” 

“Yeah, of course!”

“And you remember how I didn’t follow you to get changed?”

“Oh, yeah, actually… I do remember that.” 

Riku was rather surprised to find that Sora remembered something that would seem so insignificant to anyone else. Maybe he should have rehearsed how he was going to explain this… 

“Well, I… it’s just that I didn’t really know how to handle certain things at the time. I mean, that’s why I didn’t go with you.”

“Y-you mean you were self-conscious or something?” 

“No, it’s not that, I just… I guess there was just some stuff that I was trying to work out then. That I’m still sort of trying to figure out now.” 

“I… think I see what you’re trying to say.” 

Riku started to panic. This was happening too quickly and he still had no idea what he wanted to say. 

“I’m so sorry, I just… I guess maybe I don’t wanna get into it right now.”

“What? You can’t just give me some mysterious speech about a ‘confession’ you need to make and then tell me you don’t wanna talk about it!” 

Sora sounded upset, but Riku couldn’t determine whether it was because he wanted answers or because he didn’t want to deal with what he was about to hear. 

“I just… I’m sorry. I don’t think now is the best time to talk about this.”

There was a pause. 

“Look, we’re gonna be back home in like a week and a half. Can we talk about it then when we can see each other in person? This is… I mean, it’s important. I’m sorry to leave you hanging but I’m still not sure what to say.” 

Sora waited for a moment before responding, as thoughtfully as he could, “Listen, Riku. I know we haven’t been talking as much as usual lately but I want you to know that you’re my best friend. Whatever it is, I’ll understand. If you don’t wanna talk about it right now, I can respect that. I just… you’re really important to me, okay? And I want you to be okay.” 

Riku was taken slightly aback. Sora was an affectionate person, but he hardly ever opened himself up to anyone this genuinely or trustingly. 

“I… yeah. I’m sorry for bringing that up, I just… all I wanna say right now is that as long as you’re around, I’ll be okay.” 

“Me, too. And it’s okay… I don’t want you to feel bad.” Riku could almost hear Sora beaming across the phone in spite of his guilt. He felt reassured—none of the catastrophic things he’d expected to happen had actually happened and his friendship with Sora was, at the very least, secure. The two continued to chat for another hour or so before Sora headed off, complaining about his impending finals and how he felt like he wouldn’t be able to pass him. After a few words of encouragement and a soft goodbye, Riku hung up. He knew that he had to text Kairi immediately.

“hey, just finished talking to sora. how soon can you meet up”

“oooooh! i can go now, whats the address?”


	3. What a fool am I to think my breaking heart could kid the moon?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riku and Kairi rendezvous at a cafe. Confessions are made.

Riku immediately left for the cafe, slowly sauntering down the avenue with some combination of anxiety, excitement, and confusion in his chest. Maybe he hadn’t accomplished as much as he would have liked to, but it was Sora—and he was willing to be patient for Sora. As he walked in, he absentmindedly ordered some brand of Chinese beer. It was watery, but the alcohol was helping to soothe his nerves. 

He noticed Kairi walk in a few moments thereafter, who waved at him excitedly before walking over to the counter and ordering some kind of decaffeinated tea. She drifted over to Riku with a knowing smile on her face and placed herself next to him with her right eyebrow slightly lifted. 

“Uh… hi,” he said, teasing Kairi in return. He’d missed her in-person sense of humor—she had a certain natural inclination for body language that made him laugh. 

“What kind of cafe is this that serves imported beer?”

“I don’t know, I think a lot of people come here for it specifically. I think there’s also a band playing later tonight, but I think we should probably leave before they take the stage. Every single band around here has a guy with a mandolin in it.” 

Kairi wasn’t sure exactly what he was implying about the mandolin, but she nodded and told him she’d rather die than have to endure anything like that. Riku felt obligated to broach the subject of his conversation with Sora, but he didn’t know how to go about it. As close as he was to Kairi, he’d never been able to come totally clean with her about who he was or what he wanted out of his life. It was a big step in any friendship, admitting to something like that; in fact, he’d never really come out to anyone. His parents and family members were more or less oblivious (although they’d also begun to wonder why Riku still hadn’t found a girlfriend) and… well, Sora probably knew at this point. Maybe. 

No, he thought to himself. There’s no point in concealing this anymore. He had to say something. 

“Kairi…” he breathed, noticing immediately that she knew where he was going with this. She must have.

“You good?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. I just think it’s about time that I come clean about some things.” 

Kairi nodded sympathetically. Her demeanor changed—the joking, sarcastic attitude was replaced in a moment by a soft, hospitable one. 

“Take your time, it’s alright.”

“Well, it’s just… I mean, we’ve come so close to having this conversation so many times and… I guess I’m sorry that I didn’t come clean sooner, and—“

“Riku, seriously, it’s okay! I’m here to listen, you don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“Yeah… yeah, I appreciate that. Well first things first, I’m… gay. Well, I think so anyway… I’ve never been interested in any girls. I’ve had crushes on a bunch of guys throughout the years though, but…”

“But?”

“But I guess the only reason I really wanted any of them was because I wanted to… get a specific person off of my mind. I don’t know.”

“I think… I think I see what you’re saying.” The situation couldn’t have been any more obvious to her at this point, of course.

“I’m just… gah, okay, the reason I had to talk to Sora before is because I’m in love with him. Okay? More than anything. I think about him while I’m falling asleep, I think about him when I wake up, while I’m playing music, while I’m in class, with other people… I just… I…” 

Riku stopped speaking and put his head in his hands. Regret was beginning to set in. Kairi put her hand on his shoulder and he looked up to her eyes, gentle and uncritical. 

“To be honest, I guess I’m not sure what I can say to make you feel any better, but… I kind of figured out that you were gay for myself a while ago. I’m sorry for teasing you about it the way I did, I guess I just thought it would make you feel more at ease with yourself. I told myself I’d do whatever I could to support you as soon as you were ready to come out to me and I’m… really happy that you were able to share this with me. And really proud, too! And like, if you want my honest opinion… I mean, we’ve never talked about it before, but I kinda think that Sora might be… a little in love with you too?” Riku’s eyes shot open. 

“Wait, what do you mean?”

“I dunno, just, like… the way he looks at you and talks about you and stuff. I think you guys just handle being sad about it in different ways. Sora’s, like… he’s really outgoing and affectionate and you—no offense—have a tendency to withdraw a little bit. What happened when you called him?” 

He needed a second to gather his thoughts. He certainly wasn’t expecting Kairi to suggest that Sora returned his feelings—if he’d never detected anything, what was the probability that she would? 

“I mean we just… he told me he had a confession to make about not being able to play a song on the piano and then I told him that I also had a confession to make. It almost blew up in my face, but… I don’t know. I didn’t tell him everything but I think he may have gotten the picture.”

“And what did he say?”

“Well I don’t wanna read too much into it, but he said that I was important to him and that he wanted me to be okay.”

Kairi put her hand on his arm and gave him a small smile that he was unable to interpret. 

“Riku, I really think he likes you. I probably shouldn’t say this, but… you’re gonna find out eventually either way. But you didn’t hear it from me.”

“Okay…”

“Sora is bi. That’s what he told me, at least… he’s come out to a couple of other people but I guess I’m not surprised that he hasn’t mentioned it to you yet?” 

Riku looked away for a moment, trying to digest what she’d just told him. He was slightly hurt that Sora hadn’t said anything about this to him yet, but he understood… he supposed that it took him nearly as long to come out to Sora. And he hadn’t even really gone through with that in full. 

“Hmm… well, what specifically makes you think that he likes me?” 

“Well… we did actually have one conversation…”

“What did he say?!” Riku was struggling to restrain himself—his uncertainty was suddenly supplanted by a rush of curiosity and excitement. 

“He said that he was worried about you and that he wondered if you were acting the way you were because of him. I guess I didn’t really know what was going on in full at the time but he looked like he was actually on the verge of tears, and… he mentioned that he cares about you a lot and that he doesn’t know what to do about it. I don’t know, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this stuff, but…”

“No, I… I’m glad you did. I won’t tell him, don’t worry.” 

The two were silent for a moment before Riku looked up and smiled. 

“Kairi, thank you so much for listening to me talk about this. I’ve never really discussed it with anyone else before and I… I feel a lot better now.” 

Kairi breathed a short sigh of relief and returned his smile, saying that she was glad she could be there for him. After hanging out at the cafe for another hour or two, Riku said that he had to go back to his apartment to study and invited her to hang out again the following night. When he got back to his room, he played his saxophone with more energy and enthusiasm than he had in his entire life.


	4. The thrill of being sheltered in your arms...

Riku hesitantly stepped off of the bus platform and into the station. He looked around for a moment to weed Sora out of the crowd, but he couldn’t find him. He panicked briefly, his mind assaulted with thoughts about Sora abandoning him to do something else. Maybe someone had invited him to a party… it was a Friday evening, after all, and Sora had enough friends in the area for something like that to be possible. What if he was too drunk to leave or he’d already passed out or—

His racing thoughts were interrupted by a sound from his phone—he’d gotten a text from Sora saying that he’d been at the bus station for ten minutes but the door was locked. Riku looked into the crowd of people surrounding him and began to wonder if Sora had gone to the wrong place. 

“are you sure you went to the exact address that I sent you”

“ugh yes!!! the lights are on and i see the buses but i can’t get in :’(“ 

Now it was Riku’s responsibility to find Sora. If he weren’t so panicked about seeing him in the flesh for the first time in months, he would have lightly chided him for his lack of direction (and common sense). As things stood, it was just another source of anxiety. His phone sounded again. 

“ok i’m gonna circle around the building til i find somewhere that i can go in lol” 

“no wait i’ll find you. i can carry my bags from here to the exit” 

Sora didn’t immediately respond, which Riku interpreted as a sign of confirmation. He hoisted all of his bags onto his shoulders and achingly walked to the nearest exit. It was freezing outside and snow was beginning to fall—they would have to get out of here quickly if they didn’t want to get trapped in the middle of a storm. After a moment of adjustment to the vacuity of the sound outside, Riku’s ears picked up on a faint whistling. He couldn’t make out the tune at first—some of the tones were definitely flat—but it sounded suspiciously similar to “Self Control.” His heart skipped a beat; plenty of people knew that song, but if Sora was whistling it to get his attention…

“Hey!” shouted a voice from a few meters behind him. He turned around to see Sora wearing a pair of red corduroy pants and shrouded in a hoody that didn’t look anywhere near warm enough for the weather. He approached Sora at as measured a pace as he could manage—he didn’t want his nervousness on display. 

As soon as they were in front of one another, Sora wrapped his arms around Riku. Riku’s heart was pounding; he felt as if he would pass out the moment Sora released him. After a few moments of hesitation, Riku allowed himself to fall into the embrace and to return it. The longer they held each other, the further Sora nuzzled his head into Riku’s neck. He could feel the snow dampening his hair, but the warmth from Sora’s body was more than enough of a deterrent for him.   
After what must have been thirty seconds, they broke away from the hug. 

“H-hey,” Riku stuttered. He didn’t know what to do. The sun had already crossed below the horizon, but he could nevertheless detect what looked like tears starting to form in Sora’s eyes. 

“Riku, I… I’m so sorry.” 

Riku was flabbergasted. 

“Sorry? Why are you sorry? You have no reason to—“

“I haven’t been honest with you about a lot of things. I’ve been hiding a lot of things from you. I…” 

They stood there in silence for a few moments before Riku decided to say something. 

“It’s okay, Sora. I promise. You haven’t done anything wrong. The snow is starting to get worse… c-could I maybe come back to your place for a while? I can text my parents and tell them I’m staying the night.” 

Sora didn’t answer for a second, but Riku knew that he wouldn’t protest. He wanted more time to prepare himself for this emotionally, but the opportunity was staring him in the face. He’d waited long enough. 

“Yeah… that sounds good. I don’t wanna be alone tonight,” Sora said. Riku nodded, and they turned to Sora’s car. The snow on the ground was still light enough that they would be able to safely drive the ten miles to Sora’s house. 

As they made their way from the station, neither of them were entirely sure of what to say. There was some small talk about how the trip went and whether their finals were too bad, but nothing of much significance. When they got back to his house, the snow had grown thicker and the warmth of the indoors was inspiriting. After briefly greeting Sora’s parents and explaining that it would be easier logistically for Riku to stay there for the night, the two of them headed down to Sora’s basement. Riku immediately felt at ease—there was a knot in his stomach and a trembling in his heart, but it was better to be in the warmth and hospitality of Sora’s basement than to be compressing in his bedroom at home. Sora broke their mutual silence after tidying things up for a moment. 

“I have a surprise for you.” 

“A surprise?” 

“Yes. I think you’ll love it. Uh… well, yeah, I’m pretty sure you’ll love it.” 

Riku smiled. He thought it was cute when Sora was unsure of what to say. Sora began reaching around in his backpack, which was hidden away behind the sofa they were sitting on. As he dug around inside of it, a familiar aroma grew stronger as more of it exuded from the bag. Sora withdrew his hand triumphantly and presented the spoils to Riku: a bag with five expertly-rolled joints in it. He couldn’t believe his eyes. 

“Sora! I… I mean… where did you get them?”

“Oh, Tidus has a guy. I’ve wanted to have one all day but I figured it would be better to wait until you got back,” Sora said with a small laugh. Riku took one of them out of the bag and eyed it excitedly. 

“You know, it’s been years since we last smoked down here together. I couldn’t think of anything I’d wanna be doing more right now, though.” 

Riku hadn’t smoked much at all this past semester—he found that when he did, it sent him spiraling into a storm of unwanted thoughts. Now he was comfortably sitting beside the person he wracked his brain over and he was at ease. In spite of Sora’s miniature breakdown a little while earlier, he seemed in control of himself. The two of them sat in pleasant stillness as they smoked, slowly relaxing further into the cushions as they did so. He’d suffered over what he wanted to say at this moment, but now that he was here, he thought that speaking would be an intrusion. Sora was closer to him than he’d realized—they weren’t quite touching each other, but their thighs were hardly an inch apart. Sora’s eyes were closed, but he looked entirely at ease with himself. Riku couldn’t move a muscle—he was comfortable, but he didn’t want to sabotage himself. 

As he was wondering what all of this meant, he noticed Sora very gradually beginning to lean towards him. He seemed uncertain, but he wasn’t stopping himself. Within a few moments, Sora’s head was resting softly against Riku’s neck, their bodies in full contact. Riku was stunned; he couldn’t believe what was happening. He mentally ran through every part of his being and tried to break down how each point of contact felt. The warmth, the lightness, the intimacy; it all seemed to grow deeper with every passing moment of introspection. He analyzed Sora’s body in turn—the curvature of his torso, the gentleness of his thigh, the texture of his hair. It was better than he could have imagined; he was so elated that he couldn’t quite make sense of what he was feeling. 

Sora looked up and briefly studied Riku’s expression. As far as he could tell, Riku was at peace. In an instant, he knew what he wanted to do. 

Riku returned Sora’s gaze as he noticed that Sora was slowly tilting his head and parting his lips. He closed his eyes again and did the same, leaning gradually forward until their lips met, heart fluttering and breathing labored. Neither of them knew what to do, but the kiss continued, growing deeper and more overpowering as it went on. Sora smoothly ran his tongue around Riku’s lips, sliding it further and deeper into his mouth. Riku had forgotten his apprehension. All he wanted was to feel Sora’s closeness.   
After a few minutes, the kiss came to an unhurried conclusion. 

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Sora whispered gently. 

“Well, I… I suppose I should finish my story now,” Riku replied. Sora maneuvered himself into an upright position again, turned to face Riku, and took his hand. 

“If you’re ready to tell me, then I’m ready to listen.” 

“Okay, well… I guess it’s obvious now, but the reason I didn’t want to get changed with you is because… I don’t know. Even back then I was really overwhelmed by how beautiful you are, and… I think that may have been the moment when I realized that I loved you. I fell in love with you a long time before then, though… honestly, I wonder if I’ve been in love with you since the first time we met. I know it sounds sentimental but I… I don’t know. I love you. I love you so much…” Riku’s words broke off as he felt his eyes begin to well up. Sora brushed his gently falling tears away with his thumb. 

“I guess… I’ve felt the same way for a long time too. I’m sorry for breaking down like that in public earlier, I just… I’ve also had a hard time with this. I don’t know. I was really upset when we had that conversation and I guess it left me feeling kind of… stranded. I didn’t understand my feelings back then either, but even then I think I knew on some level that I liked you. I know it sounds weird, but thinking back on it I think the reason I wanted to go swimming with you was so that we could be together alone and… I guess… exposed, or something. I don’t know. I know that’s weird, but… but I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Riku.”

Riku gazed lovingly into Sora’s eyes. They rested their heads together and briefly kissed again.

“I know we still have a lot of stuff to talk about, but… would you want to do that duet now? I think I’m ready,” Riku suggested. Sora brightened up instantly. 

“Yes! Just let me plug in my keyboard real quick.” 

As he got situated, Riku went to fetch his saxophone. He made sure to bring it with him from school and placed it in its case on the floor when they got downstairs. The two of them sat across from each other on adjacent couches. 

“Wait, are we gonna be bothering your parents?”

“Nah, it’s pretty much soundproofed down here. I… I make a lot of noise.” 

Riku laughed. He’d missed Sora’s sense of humor. God, he’d missed being able to talk to Sora this openly and honestly. 

“So, uhm… if it’s okay, I actually learned the lyrics to the song too. I thought maybe I could sing along with the chords while you solo?” 

Riku’s face reddened. 

“Yes! Yes, that would be amazing!” 

Sora hadn’t heard Riku sound so excited about something since they were children. 

“Okay, are you ready?”

“Yeah, I think so.” 

Riku placed his lips on the mouthpiece and played the introductory bars. There was a lyricism to it, a sense of softness and serenity that he’d been unable to summon before. Sora played the chords with precision and thoroughness, getting the pattern down just right so that he could repeat them reflexively while he sang. After running through it a few times, he began: “I get along without you very well, of course I do… except when soft rains fall, and drip from leaves, then I recall… the thrill of being sheltered in your arms…” 

Riku was shocked at the sweetness of Sora’s singing voice. Each tone came out at the perfect pitch, and he ended the phrases stunningly with his soft vibrato. This didn’t distract him, however; if anything, the warmth of Sora’s voice pushed him even further, the notes of his solo deepening, the melody growing softer. The two continued in perfect consonance, steadily working their way towards the final verse. Sora intoned the final words with a level of depth and sophistication that took Riku’s breath away—to such an extent that he suspended his playing for a moment to let Sora’s voice take over. 

“But I should never think of spring, for that would surely break my heart in two.” 

Sora fluttered up and down the keyboard, arpeggiating the chords, and Riku played one last melodic line on his saxophone; it was so haunting that it sent shivers down Sora’s spine and traveling throughout his body. They both leaned back and sighed, feeling slightly spent—more had taken place tonight than either of them expected. Sora looked at Riku with a pout on his face and Riku smiled in return, getting up and situating himself as close to Sora on the opposite couch as he possibly could. 

“You know, I came up with this whole plan for tonight…” Riku said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I guess it was mostly because I wanted to be ready if you turned me down.” 

“Well there was no chance of that happening…” Sora breathed with a soft smile. Riku kissed him. 

“Man. Should we be making up for lost time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we’ve wanted each other for a long time and we could have probably been together for years now… I mean… do we have catching up to do?”

Sora blushed. “What do you mean?”

“Oh no! No I don’t mean like that! Well, I mean… maybe I do… but that’s…”

Sora burst into laughter. 

“I’m joking. I don’t think I could move a muscle right now anyway,” he said with a wink. 

“I just mean… I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” 

“I think I do. It’s okay, though. We have the rest of our lives to do interesting stuff. Right now I just wanna…. sit here and hold you and be close to you.” Riku nodded.   
“Yeah… that sounds perfect.” 

As the two of them began to nestle up to one another, Riku felt a sort of peace that he’d never been able to find anywhere else. His anxiety, his trepidation, his self-doubt… for the time being, at least, it had all departed. 

“By the way, Sora…”

“Hmmm?”

“Your singing, it’s… really beautiful.” 

“T-thank you! So is the way you play the saxophone… and your face. And the way you talk to me, and…” 

Sora trailed off. They didn’t feel the need to say anything more as they leaned further into each other and closed their eyes. 

As the snow accumulated outside and the two drifted off to sleep, Riku thought to himself that, after all these years of agonizing worry, he at long last found an answer to the question he didn’t want to ask: his fixation on Sora wasn’t a product of selfishness. The two of them had been closer than he realized for a long time—maybe there was some kind of symbiosis between them, he thought, something that allowed them to understand one another’s every hope, every dream, every source of worry and consternation; and, most importantly, to know how to enrich each other’s lives. Sora’s breathing had softened, and Riku, as quietly as he could, whispered to Sora that he loved him more than anything.


End file.
